I don't think its rare for a woman to say she has struggled with self identity and worth at some point in her life. I believe finding acceptance within yourself and from others is tricky and that some battle more than others. For the longest time I would say that it was the acceptance of my outside, my appearance, to be my greatest struggle. For the most part who I was and who I am today on the inside is not only acceptable by my terms but the worlds as well. It is the way I looked on the outside that had presented some speculation.
As far back as 6th grade I can remember hearing comments about the size of my behind and so forth. As I got older it wasn't any easier. After going through a mess with my family and moving from town to town food became a friend. Weight packed on and my self-esteem went into the toilet. This continued on until my mid 20s. Blame it on a messed up family or the media or a combination of both, either way I was a hot mess.
I can recount my mission trip to Thailand with a friend and hearing the Thai people talk about my size. Where they would place me in the car and who they thought was prettiest between my friend and I. They thought I was fat and were not shy about saying it to my face. Frequently they would compare me to my friend, who was thin and model like to them. This led to a breakdown at the end of my trip while trying to purchase some clothing from a vendor. The lady slapped the under part of her arm and spoke to me in Thai saying I was to fat for the top I was interested in. What was shocking to me was that on one hand I was disgusted by their blunt behavior and on the other I agreed. I thought here is the confirmation I have been looking for! Finally someone is saying to my face what I have always believed. I am fat and that is a horrible unacceptable thing!
It was the proof I needed that it was not just a useless American standard but a world standard. Fat was not ok with anyone. But then there was the time I had spent in Africa, where again I was called fat, but in an adoring manner. I was looked upon as royalty! Beauty was found in the curves of my hips and the fullness of my behind. To them my size meant wealth and desire. Man, talk about a contrast! So what did I learn from this...something that took years to sink in...
After my time overseas I came home to California and immediately set out to make a change. I started dieting.I went to a gym. I danced. I grew up and I found friends I liked and liked me back. I thought finally I will be the woman that everyone can accept. They will love my outsides as much as my insides! Though all those things begun to take place I still struggled to like myself. I mean yes I gained confidence and I liked how I looked, but it still wasn't enough. I wasn't enough. I was comparing myself to the 5ft 10 models at 120 lbs. I'd beat myself up because I couldn't fit into size 8 citizen jeans. I mean I still had this curvaceous body, there was nothing wafer or boyish about it, and still I was ashamed.
So where does that leave me? Fast forward five years, I move to Nashville. I meet the man of my dreams, I get married and I have a daughter. It was with the birth of my daughter and the amazement of how God created this little person within me, that has changed my perspective drastically. Here is this beautiful little girl, one who has a smile that radiates and a eyes that could knock you off your feet. And this isn't true because I am comparing her to someone whom I have been told is the picture of beauty and therefore convinced of her own. It is because she is flesh of my flesh and blood of my blood that I can see her for who she really is. It is this thought process that enables me to see myself, for the first time in many regards, as a beautiful, curvy, intelligent woman. One that doesn't ever need to be 5'10 and 12 0lbs to be a sexy, desirable, worthy, unforgettable woman. I am simply because I am.
