Africa

Yesterday some friends of ours that are originally from Kenya West Africa left us to return home and assist with the family business. The father of one of our friends passed away last year and left his mother to maintain/run the school they had started years ago. We gathered yesterday morning before church to hear them speak about what they intended on doing and what life would consist of once they returned.
As they spoke about the days to come I couldn't help but reflect back on the time I spent in both South and West Africa just a few years ago. Both places hold a special place in my heart as I  have always had a passion for the African people and a desire to return. When Ryan and I first met it was one of the things we had in common. A desire to return and see what the Lord would have us do. But of course things never go as we planned and now that we have a child of our own the idea of hoping on a plane isn't as easy as it once was.
I can't explain the feeling I have inside when I think of Africa. There are few things in my life that cause this sort of reaction, my husband, my daughter, dancing and Africa. There is something about that place that locked onto my heart long before I got there several years ago and hasn't left me yet.
Ryan and I have discussed going back next year to visit our friends. To help with what ever it is they may need and just have the opportunity to be back in a place that tugs on both of our hearts so strongly. We have thought also of seeing about speaking to our church and turning it into a large group trip, which would be amazing, there isn't anything like this in the works just yet but it is my prayer that the Lord open the doors as he see fit.

I have always had a passion for the mission field and when I returned a few years ago I knew that I wouldn't be returning again as  a single woman. Here I am married now and the opportunity has presented itself in a small way. It is my hope that I can use the gifts the Lord has given me to some how be of use here and there. Who knows what happens next but I pray that some time soon it might be returning to one of my loves with my love.

Time change is my foe

So this week while most people were excited to have the time change I was dreading it. We started to change Lily's sleeping schedule earlier in the week to help the transition but she seemed to still wake up at the same time as she always did. It was last night that was the big dosey. We had small group at 6 which was really 7 on her time clock and right around 730 she hit a wall..we had to leave small group and head home. She was out like a light within like ten minutes but she was up bright and early again this morning...wondering if time will ever change in her little body. ha.

I had a realization today..

  Watching Oprah today I listened to Portia De Rossi talk about her book and the graphic details of her eating disorder and self loathing. She gives details on how she would binge and purge and the thoughts that plagued her for years. Now her story is different than mine, thoughts and actions are different then mine but there was a realization that came while I heard her talk about her pain. I remember thinking, "how can you stick your fingers down your throat...I am not as grossed out as I am blown away that she can actually do it, I could never torture my body that way." 

It was with that thought that my realization came...I can do that to my body, and I do do that to my body and my self worth. I may not binge and purge but I do in my own way feed my insecurities by trying to reach a goal that is strictly in my own head. To some extent all women, and men it seems these days, have this idea of who and what we should be. We compare and contrast ourselves to others famous/or not. And often we aren't happy with what we see. The crazy part is when what we see isn't the accurate reflection of who/what we really are. I can remember while I was pregnant looking back at photos of myself just a few months earlier. I thought I looked amazing! But I can remember at that time thinking I didn't look right. That I needed to loose just a bit more and that I was still the 200 lb girl from college. (while in actuality I was 150lbs) I was in the best shape of my life but thought I had so much farther to go. It was that realization that helped me after the baby to be ok with how I looked and having confidence in how I looked. However I still have moments of struggle and it wasn't until I watched that show yesterday that I made the realization of how "sick" my thought process can be at times. I am thankful that it hit me like it did and I hope that I continue to stay strong in the confidence of who I am and who I will be. 

You know I hear allot of women in their 40+ years say that it was as they got older that they really came into themselves. That they finally became happy in their skin and loved who they were...I am only 31 but I think I am having my first glimpses of those thoughts..thank God!

Trader Joes and Coconut Fro Yo.

Two of my favorite things in life...Trader Joes and Coconut FroYo. There is something about familiarity that brings a sense of peace. Since living in VA I have found that every time I go in a Trader Joes or get to eat my favorite dessert, I feel a sense of home. Home for most of my life being CA has its strong ties to my memories and sense of self. There are so many times I flash back on things that have happened to me and I can use certain smells or places in San Diego that I can use as a reference to how I felt at that moment.  I mean frozen yogurt was my sweet treat of choice growing up. Even as an adult I have fond memories of going there with my best friend, my mom, and/or my brother and just laughing over our favorite treat. And many who know me know my fondness for both frozen yogurt and all things Trader Joes.
Nevertheless, home isn't CA anymore and it  hasn't been for some time now. So while I was there this weekend with my husband and my daughter enjoying the goodies of the store and then partaking in our little tradition of hitting up the fro yo place on our way back home, I realized I was building new memories with my daughter and husband that had different smells and sensations right here in VA. I love having those moments! Being so present that you are aware of how good you have it. (and I am super thankful that this one surrounded my 4 favorite things...Ryan, Lily, coconut fro yo and Trader Joes)

Repost from previous blog

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

"Single" Nicci

I started a new blog mainly because I don't use my old account anymore and it was more a pain to change over then anything.
The last couple of weeks I have had these thoughts..ones that I can't always exact words to but more of a general feeling. We all know that over two and a half years ago I married my best friend. We then moved to Lynchburg and that in itself was a hard transition. Next we welcomed Lily and  quickly after moved into a new home. So many new things hasn't really enabled me to sit and think about it all and what that means.
The last couple of weeks though, as things have settled into routine and life has become as close to "normal" as I suspect it will ever be, I have been plagued with one big thought/realization...I am not single Nicci.

Now now I know that sounds silly and its not like I am not aware that I am married and have a child, both of which I love by the way, but it has just fully hit me that I am not the "single" person I used to be. I do not have the freedoms of having no responsibility for anything/one but myself. I cannot hop on a plane and travel the world without thinking twice. I do not have the same relationships with my girlfriends/guy friends that I used to. I don't even view the world threw the same lens anymore. Conversations aren't the same, thoughts and feelings aren't the same. Its crazy. I mean I know we are always growing and changing but never have I been more aware of this change then now!
I mean a million times over in life I feel like you hear people say you don't know until you have experienced it but never more than now do i really understand that thought process...
To be married is unlike anything I thought it would be. So much better but so much tougher. I mean I knew it wasn't a fairy tale but I didn't realize I would have this microscope to my life that would constantly be challenging me to smooth out those rough spots. I didn't realize what it means to be truly selfless. To put someone else before yourself. To hurt and love so much at the same time. And being a mother on top of it all is the second craziest thing ever!
Okay what I am saying is, most of my life I have had a hard time really being able to understand what some one else is going through while they experience it. I mean I have compassion and I can empathize with situations but unless I had experienced it myself I never really could connect with the emotion and change they experienced in life. (good or bad)
However there is nothing that has left a greater impression on my life then being married and having a child. I feel like I have entered a new world that only certain people were aware of and now that i am here it has changed my view on everything. It has given me a confidence in myself that i never had before. It has helped me to see the things that are really important and the things that are simply done out of selfish desire. I have had a chance to look at how I operated in life before and how some of my choices really left me wanting. I don't know why these two changes have opened so many new doors but I am happy they have. I was happy before but I beyond that now. I do wish for the old days at times especially when I am feeling particularly self absorbed, but I wouldn't change my life even if I could. The timing was just right and now I look forward to going through my future life experiences with this new perspective. And I happy to lay to rest "single" Nicci.