I had a realization today..

  Watching Oprah today I listened to Portia De Rossi talk about her book and the graphic details of her eating disorder and self loathing. She gives details on how she would binge and purge and the thoughts that plagued her for years. Now her story is different than mine, thoughts and actions are different then mine but there was a realization that came while I heard her talk about her pain. I remember thinking, "how can you stick your fingers down your throat...I am not as grossed out as I am blown away that she can actually do it, I could never torture my body that way." 

It was with that thought that my realization came...I can do that to my body, and I do do that to my body and my self worth. I may not binge and purge but I do in my own way feed my insecurities by trying to reach a goal that is strictly in my own head. To some extent all women, and men it seems these days, have this idea of who and what we should be. We compare and contrast ourselves to others famous/or not. And often we aren't happy with what we see. The crazy part is when what we see isn't the accurate reflection of who/what we really are. I can remember while I was pregnant looking back at photos of myself just a few months earlier. I thought I looked amazing! But I can remember at that time thinking I didn't look right. That I needed to loose just a bit more and that I was still the 200 lb girl from college. (while in actuality I was 150lbs) I was in the best shape of my life but thought I had so much farther to go. It was that realization that helped me after the baby to be ok with how I looked and having confidence in how I looked. However I still have moments of struggle and it wasn't until I watched that show yesterday that I made the realization of how "sick" my thought process can be at times. I am thankful that it hit me like it did and I hope that I continue to stay strong in the confidence of who I am and who I will be. 

You know I hear allot of women in their 40+ years say that it was as they got older that they really came into themselves. That they finally became happy in their skin and loved who they were...I am only 31 but I think I am having my first glimpses of those thoughts..thank God!