A box of tissues

Ok so in my attempt to make it through some of the movies of the past this week I landed on a true classic in my opinion (which is largely influenced by my mothers love for one of the main characters). A Star is Born is a great movie and mainly I think this is because I have a strong affection for Mrs. Barbara herself. My mother basically raised me on her music and watching her movies always takes me back to a place of peace and joy from my childhood.
This movie is particular I have watched a few times throughout the years but never all the way through. I added it to my netflix que a couple weeks ago and finally sat down to watch it tonight. Man what a different perspective I have on this movie since my last viewing experience. now being married and having a child I was a huge basket case. I think I cried the entire last twenty minutes. ha.

So this is just a quick note to say watch out the next time you watch a movie with some ties in it that bring your heart to pieces. And bring a box of tissues.
The End

I am Nicole Regine Neace

It is interesting the things that come, be it with motherhood, your 30s, life experience or some combination there of. For me its been Lily's birth that has really pushed things into fast forward. My entire view point has shifted and I think now I am finally turning into the woman I've always desired to be.


I don't think its rare for a woman to say she has struggled with self identity and worth at some point in her life. I believe finding acceptance within yourself and from others is tricky and that some battle more than others. For the longest time I would say that it was the acceptance of my outside, my appearance, to be my greatest struggle. For the most part who I was and who I am today on the inside is not only acceptable by my terms but the worlds as well. It is the way I looked on the outside that had presented some speculation.


As far back as 6th grade I can remember hearing comments about the size of my behind and so forth. As I got older it wasn't any easier. After going through a mess with my family and moving from town to town food became a friend. Weight packed on and my self-esteem went into the toilet. This continued on until my mid 20s.  Blame it on a messed up family or the media or a combination of both, either way I was a hot mess.

I can recount my mission trip to Thailand with a friend and hearing the Thai people talk about my size.  Where they would place me in the car and who they thought was prettiest between my friend and I. They thought I was fat and were not shy about saying it to my face. Frequently they would compare me to my friend, who was thin and model like to them. This led to a breakdown at the end of my trip while trying to purchase some clothing from a vendor. The lady slapped the under part of her arm and spoke to me in Thai saying I was to fat for the top I was interested in. What was  shocking to me was that on one hand I was disgusted by their blunt behavior and on the other I agreed.  I thought here is the confirmation I have been looking for! Finally someone is saying to my face what I have always believed. I am fat and that is a horrible unacceptable thing!

It was the proof I needed that it was not just a useless American standard but a world standard.  Fat was not ok with anyone. But then there was the time I had spent in Africa, where again I was called fat, but in an adoring manner. I was looked upon as royalty! Beauty was found in the curves of my hips and the fullness of my behind. To them my size meant wealth and desire. Man, talk about a contrast! So what did I learn from this...something that took years to sink in...

After my time overseas I came home to California and immediately set out to make a change. I started dieting.I went to a gym. I danced. I grew up and I found friends I liked and liked me back.  I thought finally I will be the woman that everyone can accept. They will love my outsides as much as my insides! Though all those things begun to take place I still struggled to like myself. I mean yes I gained confidence and I liked how I looked, but it still wasn't enough. I wasn't enough.  I was comparing myself to the 5ft 10 models at 120 lbs.  I'd beat myself up because I couldn't fit into size 8 citizen jeans. I mean I still had this curvaceous body, there was nothing wafer or boyish about it, and still I was ashamed.


So where does that leave me? Fast forward five years, I move to Nashville. I meet the man of my dreams, I get married and I have a daughter. It was with the birth of my daughter and the amazement of how God created this little person within me, that has changed my perspective drastically. Here is this beautiful little girl, one who has a smile that radiates and a eyes that could knock you off your feet.  And this isn't true because I am comparing her to someone whom I have been told is the picture of beauty and therefore convinced of her own. It is because she is flesh of my flesh and blood of my blood that I can see her for who she really is. It is this thought process that enables me to see myself, for the first time in many regards, as a beautiful, curvy, intelligent woman. One that doesn't ever need to be 5'10 and 12 0lbs to be a sexy, desirable, worthy, unforgettable woman. I am simply because I am.

Anyhow all this to say there are many insights that have come. Some life changes have taken place. Plans that have been set in stone and I won't share them all but I will share this. I will not tell my daughter she is ugly, unworthy or some how less because of who she is on the outside or the in. I will strive to live out  the confidence in myself and who God created me to be so that she can have someone to look up to. I will no longer live in a house that speaks in code about how we are to look. Diets are no longer a part of my regular vocabulary. (I will never go on a diet again!) I will take care of myself by eating well. I will be physically active and enjoy the things that challenge my body to be its best. Moreover,  I will never again strive to be that 5'10 model at 120 lbs.  I am Nicole Regine Neace, 5'7 and 165 lbs of pure sexiness! I am kickass!  I am smart! I am funny and I am loved! I am worth more than those who have shamed me in my past and I am more than I thought I was at 12, 22 and even 30. I am phenomenal. Phenomenal woman thats me!

Adults who act like children

So over the course of the last few weeks I have come in contact with several people who've decided acting like a child works better for them. Now I recognize that we all have our moments. Some times we say something out of line or share something that wasn't ours to share. But I cannot stand it when people are petty for no reason. Case in point, I currently teach Zumba at three locations in town. Now I love teaching at all these places, and if given the opportunity I will continue to teach and branch out at other places. I never speak about the other places I teach while in class but I do have several people who follow me on facebook and are aware of my teaching schedule. Now it has come to my attention that certain people who teach the same classes as me are being petty and gossiping about other instructors. This is useless and pointless to me. If I have a student come up to me after a class and discuss another teacher I will often tell them that they are entitled to their opinion and if they want to share their concerns with the director that is the best thing for them to do. Otherwise try other instructors. ( I mean for goodness sakes we have 8 teachers find who you like and go to their class) But I do not have patience for the instructors who bad mouth other instructors or go to the "boss" and tell them negative things for the sake of tattling. I mean seriously how old are you?! For some reason certain instructors don't like sharing/subbing for other instructors and that is fine I suppose. But what does it really matter. We are teaching a freaking zumba class for crying out loud. This is not an do or die situation so who cares when and if you teach. Ugh.
Ok done with that...now on to rest of my day

What it means...

There is something about dance that makes my heart move. I can be doing it or I can watch it and it brings forth emotion I wasn't aware of. I am in love with dance.

Recently I have had some changes in life. I am not talking the changes all people are aware of such as marriage, baby, home and so on. But people and things from my past being brought from a place I thought no longer existed to what is very much real and alive in front of me. This has caused me to be moody, angry, sad, happy, confused, excited and frustrated. Its those emotions that I feel come out when I dance or see a dance piece that exhibits the very depth of what I have a hard time expressing in my day to day life. Tonight I watched a piece that caused me to feel so much joy and at the same time instantly recall the thing that has felt like a heavy weight on my shoulders. It was the moment of joy that has helped me to see I need some help with the weight. So for that reason I am once again thankful for dance.

Pause..

Today after teaching my class I was sitting with Lily and a friend discussing comings and goings of the day. I was stopped by several students telling me that they enjoyed the class and one of my older students informed me she was writing a poem for me. Sweet..the inspiration I had a hand in and in turn what was given back to me.
Later crippled by my back pain I lay on my couch watching Lily so peaceful playing with her toys and dancing to the music playing on my computer. Thankful that she is so laid back and doesn't require me to be up and running around while I lay in pain. I decided to look at facebook and read up on some of my friends happenings. Its nice in times like these when I am so far away to have little glimpses into their daily lives.

Today I was especially moved by one of my very dear friends and a video she posted for us all to share in. This friend, who for the sake of the blog shall remain nameless, has been such a light in my life over the last 6 years. She and I shared trips around the world. Seeing things that to this day can still draw such emotion from me. She has shared in some of the roughest moments of my personal battle and Id like to think I have shared in some of hers as well. Anyhow, on her page was a video sharing with all of us one of those moments that so many wish they had video to capture. She has recently become engaged and her fiance surprised her with her family and friends just after the engagement! The look on her face as she walked in the door was so classic. If you know her you know that face and the thoughts that came with it and at that moment I was so thankful for video, Facebook and the feeling of knowing someone. I cried as I watched her with such joy embrace her family and show off that ring. The journey she has been on the last few years has been one that causes me to pause and look at the hands of the Lord in her life and all of ours. I am so happy for her. Happy actually doesn't begin to explain it. I thank God that He has such love for us and that he can make all things new.

So with that said I pause for a moment. Thankful for my husband, my daughter, my family, extended family, and friends. For those who know me and could know a response just by looking. I love you guys. 

Last nights crazy dream

So last night Ryan was gone and I had the king size bed to myself. Now for most this may be a lovely treat to have a big huge bed to themselves but for me it only means a night of tossing and turning and often funky dreams!
I often subject Ryan to my weird dreams. The twists and turns and the things that make no sense...well at least they don't to him, and last night was no exception. So at some point in my dream I ended up living in a new home but it wasn't here in Lynchburg. As usual it was a fictional town I created in my mind. This time my neighbors consisted of the girls that were in my bible study while I was in college. These girls at the time being 9th graders and I being a senior in college, were now grown to be the same age as myself but I had not aged at all. Anyhow Ryan and I had bought this home to prepare ourselves for the baby that was on the way. Now this may seem sorta normal at this point and nothing to nod your head at but here is where is gets a bit strange.
So Lily existed and was with us in the new home but suddenly I went from being 5 wks pregnant to being rushed to a hospital to deliver my babies...that's right babies. I was having twins!! Then suddenly I am passed out, knocked unconscious from the fear of twins I suppose only to wake up and find myself sore and unsure of what happened. I looked down and it appeared that I had three scars now instead of two from the c-section and to top it off wasn't sure where my children were. I fell back asleep and this time woke to find I had two more little girls.Skip forward who knows how many days and we are now home. I am not real sure where anyone is, children, husband, family, strangers? Where did they go? Next thing I know  I am going back and forth between the house and the hospital and constantly forgetting the babies. Not sure if they have been fed or how big they are, I am in a constant state of panic. Now the dream from there gets to strange to type and honestly I am not sure I can explain it all but I woke up freaking out that I not only was going to have twins the next time we conceived but I was somehow going to miss the birthing experience and misplace them for several days.  I can now say that I am sure I wont forget them...but twins?

Appreciate

I appreciate it when you tell it like it is.
I appreciate it when you tell me I have food in my teeth, mascara under my eyes, or my pants on inside out.
I appreciate it when you share how you feel..
I appreciate it when you help me save me from myself,
I appreciate it when you're honest.
I appreciate it when you are my friend.
I appreciate it when you don't feed me a line of bull.

I appreciate you know my crazy side.
I appreciate you took the time see my crazy side.
I appreciate you know I love trail mix, hate cottage cheese and have an addiction to anything coconut.
I appreciate you know that dancing makes me sane.
I appreciate you took the time to dance with me.

I appreciate you know my heart.
I appreciate you never took it and ran.

I appreciate your willingness to go deep.
I appreciate your willingness to stay light.
I appreciate your time and your effort.
I appreciate your smile and your comfort.
I appreciate your steadiness.
I appreciate your fumbles.
I appreciate your realness.
I appreciate your heart.
I appreciate your humor.
I appreciate your tears.
I appreciate your embrace.
I appreciate your friendship.

I appreciate you... love.